Ice-olation (UNRELEASED FANFIC!)
by Mister Nanook
Summary: Straight from the Nanook archives! An unreleased tale involving Finn and Ice King trapped in an ice cavern together. Will help ever arrive? The better question is: who will survive? Rated T for Violence, and Mild Language.


**AUTHOR'S NOTES: Hello, losers of the **_**Adventure Time**_** fandom! It's me, it's me, it's Mr. Nanooky here to present to you all a super-special unreleased fanfic of mine straight from the magical year of 2012! But before I begin, I bet some of you are wondering one of three things:**

**A: Why are you still alive?**

**2: Why have you not responded to my PM?**

**Lastly: Why haven't you updated **_**Jake's Final Adventure**_**?**

**The answer to the first two questions is simple: screw you, that's why! As for the third one, the answer is very simple: because **_**Adventure Time **_**suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks! Honestly, it has become of my most despised shows to date! The writers are trying to create more elaborate stories, but the time limit they're given to show them is just not enough! Not to mention that it seemed to just never wanted to **_**end**_**! Season five had fifty-two episodes. Ordinarily, that would be a good thing, but I only thought a quarter of those were good. For absolutely no reason, here are my short opinions on every episode that season.**

**Finn the Human: It was a great start.**

**Jake the Dog: Was great, but ruined by deus ex machina.**

**Five More Short Graybles: I didn't like the first one. What the hell makes you think I'd like the second one?**

**Up a Tree: Just passable because I love Jim Cummings.**

**All the Little People: Great episode because it poked fun at all the shippers and gave them the middle finger.**

**Jake the Dad: It was cute, but only served to create more characters to ignore.**

**Davey: Boring.**

**Mystery Dungeon: One of my favorites.**

**All Your Fault: It was okay.**

**Little Dude: Even Dana Snyder couldn't save this episode from being a waste of time.**

**Bad Little Boy: Pretty good, because it gave the shipper of my most hated paring another middle finger for them to suck on.**

**Vault of Bones: A little bit of character development for Flame Princess, but was not enough to warrant a great episode.**

**The Great Bird Man: I didn't care for it. The birds looked adorable, though.**

**Simon and Marcy: One of the better episodes, but ruined by the time limit.**

**A Glitch is a Glitch: Maybe it's because I'm not hip, but I wasn't a huge fan of the plot or art style.**

**Puhoy: Another waste of time and many disturbing implications make this one a miss.**

**BMO Lost: How can BMO be gay if it has no gender? Either way, the episode was bad.**

**Princess Potluck: Very funny episode.**

**James Baxter the Horse: Incredibly forgettable. BMO's song at the beginning was adorable, though.**

**Shh!: It was fine.**

**The Suitor: Well, it showed how uncaring PB can be, so that's something.**

**The Party's Over, Isla de Señorita: Eh.**

**One Last Job: It was interesting, but didn't do Jake Jr. any favors.**

**Another Five Short Graybles: Yes, they made another one of these. The same season, no less. I want to murder Cuber and eat his brain.**

**Candy Streets: LSP couldn't do this episode any justice.**

**Wizards Only, Fools: It was good. Can't complain.**

**Jake Suit: Nothing but a humilithon. It was disturbing at times, too.**

**Be More: One of the better episodes of the season. I liked it.**

**Sky Witch: It was great, but it felt a bit rushed. It didn't help simmer the flame of Sugarless Gum. If anything, it made it worse.**

**Frost and Fire: **_**Adventure Time**_**'s first attempt at a story arc and failed miserably. It started off strong with this episode, though as it showed Finn that actions have consequences; something that I don't believe he understands. That gives me a great idea for a fanfic...**

**Too Young: Just when you started to make me really like Lemongrab, you stomped on that like you stomped on Flinn. Add some one-sided romance and a lone character that we don't even know but supposed to care about and you got a recipe for a ridiculous episode.**

**Earth and Water: The final episode of the trilogy and by God, it sucked! Way too rushed and such an unsatisfying payoff ranks this episode amongst the lowest.**

**Time Sandwich: I love Magic Man, but this one was too boring for me to like. On the plus side, Marceline and PB were in the same location at the same time and were talking! Why don't you write a fanfic about it, nerd?!**

**...I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.**

**The Vault: Not to be confused with Vault of Bones. This one gives the viewer insight on the Ghost Lady and actually presented the early days of the Candy Kingdom rather well. Very good episode.**

**Love Games: Just to give you all reassurance that Finn isn't over Flame Princess, this episodes exists. It's pretty forgettable, however.**

**Dungeon Train: An action episode where Finn actually learns something. Doesn't stop the episode from not being impressive.**

**Box Prince: I love cats, but I hate this episode. Pointless and idiotic, this one ranks just below Fire and Ice.**

**Red Starved: Had great potential, but the conflict was solved at the last minute, making this one not so great. I recommend reading **_**Crimson Temptation**_** by PretendPlay instead.**

**We Fixed a Truck: Can you say "boring"? Weird Al couldn't pull off saving this wreck of an episode (no pun intended).**

**Play Date: Finally, we get a good episode! I loved the chemistry between Abracadaniel and Ice King. Too bad we may never see that again to make room for more half-assed romance plots.**

**The Pit: Jake made a sex tape. Enough said. Oh, and the episode was fine, too.**

**James: Not to be confused with James Baxter the Horse, this episode was actually pretty funny. Too bad death will never be a serious issue when you can just clone the bastard.**

**Root Beer Guy: Another funny episode. The sexual tension was a nice touch and everything makes much more sense if you consider "dancing" to be the Candy Kingdom word for "sex". Man, I haven't gone dancing in three months.**

**Apple Wedding: Oh boy, more romance. This time between two characters that no one cares about. Give this one a pass.**

**Blade of Grass: Way to go, giving the animators something that they'll forget to draw every now and then. Giving Finn a permanent weapon wasn't a great move, in my opinion. Unless that thing behaves like a symbiote, I' m not going to be enjoying it. The episode was okay.**

**Rattleballs: This episode displayed more of PB's cruelty, initiating genocide against gumball machines. Regardless, I liked the episode and Rainn Wilson's voicework was great.**

**The Red Throne: I hate Flame Princess. Finn's a stupid kid, of course he'll make mistakes. The conflict in this one pretty much solved by itself so it's mostly padded out with useless action scenes and a downright creepy conclusion. Sorry, shippers but the writers are completely content with kicking your favorite pairing in the face and never stopping for a breath.**

**Betty: Had great potential, but was plagued by a rushed pace and an unsatisfying ending, only giving the writers yet another footnote to revisit later, if they feel like it. Also, Hambo died.**

**Bad Timing: Three romance episodes in a row with bad endings? Must be my unlucky day. Regardless, seeing a different side of LSP was actually a breath of fresh air and a great move. Decent episode.**

**Lemonhope: A two-parter. Watching the Lemon Kingdom become pretty much Auschwitz was very depressing. The episodes were barely any good, however and I found Lemonhope to be a character I just couldn't sympathize with. The conclusion pretty much wrapped up my suspicion and only served to annoy me. By the way, Creed Bratton was a guest star in this episode. Who's next, John Krasinski?**

**Billy's Bucket List: I literally lost all interest in Adventure Time and didn't even finish watching this episode.**

**It's sad, really. **_**Adventure Time**_** is what made me want to become a fanfic writer. It was April of 2012. After a two-hour coke-binge, I decided to read some fanfiction for no reason. Back then I just reviewed fanfics and had no intention on writing anything.**

**But then something happened. I read the greatest fanfic I have ever read: **_**Supposed to be a Secret**_**. This, my friends was my inspiration! Unfortunately, the original story appears to be long gone, but I still remember it to this day! Yes, kids: there was a time when I thought Finnceline was the shit. Shocking, isn't it? On top of that, I was reading other fanfics and said to myself, "These authors suck! I could write a better story than these jackoffs!"**

**And I didn't! I instead wrote the spectacularly-bad fanfic **_**The Last Day**_**. Oh, how I wish I could say that story was supposed to be a joke. Is it the worst story I have ever written and I still can't believe it still gets praise to this day. But it's cool! It's cool! I got better and wrote **_**Anti-Finn**_**; the first story I can honestly say that I wasn't ashamed to write! Little did any of you know that I was also working on another fanfic that never saw the light of day.**

**It was titled **_**Ice-olation. **_**The plot was that Finn and Jake were in the Ice Kingdom to rescue Princess Bubblegum from Ice King. Typical stuff. Suddenly, the ice beneath them starts to crack and both Finn and Ice King fall to the dark abyss below. The trouble really amplifies as the pair land themselves in an ice cavern and are trapped inside! Finn starts to suffer cabin fever by the first day and contemplates killing the Ice King. Wacky antics ensue!**

**I began writing, but soon got bored. Instead, I opted to ask my younger brother, who I kept chained up in my basement his opinion. After going to the hospital, I realized that I could write a way better story than that. I had another one it mind titled _Finn and Jake XXX Yaoi Hardcore Porn Hour_, but it was a little too racy to released. Instead, I opted for a different project. I don't think I remembered that as I spent the remainder of the year dicking around trying to create a retelling of **_**The Last Day**_** that was eventually cancelled. **

**Trying to save face, I came back to the **_**Adventure Time**_** fanfic scene to discover that it was filled with whorehouses that had the following banners: FINNCELINE, BUBBLINE, and FIOLEE. That alone was enough to kill my hype boner, but I still went on, creating a fanfic involving a man, his son, and a penguin. And the reception I got was underwhelming. Barely anyone viewed the story. I guess everyone was too busy reading up on Marshall Lee ramming Fionna again for the hundredth time or something. **

**Things got dark. Upon noticing the bullshit behind this fandom, I slipped into the darkest recesses of my mind. I broke my computer, burnt down my house, destroyed my flash drive containing all my stories, ate my cell phone, dropped out of college, started doing meth again, stomped on neighbor's flowerbed, and lost my job. For about three months, I had drove myself insane and was eventually committed to Western Hills Mental Clinic, where I had endless nightmares of Marceline scissoring Princess Bubblegum and Marshall Lee with Fionna murdering every other pairing in cruel and malicious ways. I was gone.**

**But then something happened: I actually wrote something. After receiving my daily spanking, I watched the episode **_**Simon and Marcy**_** in the game room and said to myself, "You know, that gives me an idea." Thus, **_**A Cry in the Snow**_** was born! Again, the reception was lukewarm, but I least I knew I wasn't forgotten. Still, it bummed me out. I was eventually released from the asylum and had to sell my grandmother's medication on the street corners to make ends meet. **

**I had hit rock bottom. One faithful day, I was sitting on the sidewalk, holding bottle of beer and a sign that read, "WILL WRITE FANFIC WITH NO PARINGS FOR FOOD". As I was about to drop my pants and dance for pennies, a miracle happened. I was visited by an angel that day. Her name was "The Legend of Derpy". She glanced at me with her cross-eyes and I gazed at her gray coat and stylish green tunic. She heard about my situation and decided to talk to me about it. She said to me that it's not the fandom's fault that they're shipping, but it was my own for letting it get to me. **

**I was resentful to her comments, lashing out with "They're the ones that continue to support this mediocrity and they're the ones that continue to churn these stories! I've talked to other writers around here and they feel the same way, hoping that one day, these pairings will die so they can unleash their own ideas that will actually be read by people. Writers like me are looking for a revolution and we will not stand down and watch as this place becomes a Cesspool of Fiolee and Sugarless Gum!"**

**She wasn't moved. She told me that if I truly cared about my ideas, I'd unleash them to the fandom. She also suggested paring up with other writers to show the other authors here that there was more to life than just shipping. I wasn't willing to hear her out and falsely accused her of calling me lazy and more than just one story wasn't going to change things in the fandom. I threw my beer bottle on the cold ground below to intimidate her, but to no avail. **

**I had misinterpreted her comments, she said and suggested that I write normal stories and open people's eyes with said stories. She also assured me that there is nothing wrong with shipping and that I'll just have to accept it, seeing as it'll never go away. I might as well abandon fanfiction dot net if I can't handle that, stating that, "this place is the shipping capital of the internet."**

**I had snorted some cocaine earlier that day and it re-entered my system. I had turned hysterical and informed her about the horrors of the fandom. How when every Fiolee fanfic were to be posted, ten more would follow! I was jumping up and down repeatedly as I told her the terrors that those shippings did to me! I grabbed her by the shoulders and maniacally told her my delusions, screaming in her face, "There will be more of me on here soon, and I can guarantee you that! After I finish up my current project, I'll complete my other concepts and I'll show this place that originality is not dead and that stories that don't involve pairings can very well coexist! Nanook out!" I concluded with the most sinister smile she had ever seen.**

**She applauded me for my enthusiasm and calmly moved me away from her face. "I admire that," she admitted. "It's just that you can't get angry at people for writing what they enjoy, even if there's a lot of it." Derpy then brought up her own fandom and the horrors that she had to face herself. Humans, self-insertion OCs, and making out with Twilight Sparkle, oh my! And I thought my fandom was bad! I didn't ask her how she put up with it, but she answered it anyway. "But I put up with it, do you know why? Because these types of stories might dominate the section, and they might stink worse than a pile of dog shit, but I keep looking for that one out of ten fic that's original." If I cared about this fandom, I'd put up with it, she added. "After all, for every original AT fic you find, you might find an author behind it willing to support your cause. Power in numbers at its finest."**

**I cried. I broke down in tears and I cried as hard as my body could. She was right; I couldn't sink the ships. The best I could do is coexist with them and hope that my loyal readers will support me. She hugged me as I cried onto her shoulder, wetting her tunic with my warm tears. I eventually stopped with one final sniffle, letting her know that she was 100% right and that I was coming back to the fandom with my head held high. **

"**Thanks for encouraging me," I said and turned towards the nearest airport to plan my future.**

"**Alright, good luck!" she said as I sprinted off. Luckily, I had found a private jet in the airport completely unattended. Using my awesome hacking skills, I activated it and flew myself to Antarctica, crash landing nearby an abandoned research facility. Surprisingly, the place had internet and numerous computers, so I did what I do best.**

**I wrote. That February, I had written a special sneak peek at my future fanfic that was at the time titled **_**Untitled Eileen Pregnancy Fanfic**_**. The response was very positive and was enough to bring me back in the game! Now **_**Bound by Lust, Separated by Life**_** is my most popular fanfic to date!**

**But there was still another matter of business. I needed to face **_**Adventure Time**_** again. It was July 2013. I was weary to return to the scene, but I had to face my fears. I passed by the whorehouses, never turning my head to face them and I found the place to submit the fanfics. In my hands was a new flash drive containing my story: **_**Jake's Final Adventure**_**. **

**My heart was beating rapidly. My palms started to sweat, almost causing me to drop the flash drive to the unforgiving ground below. I had never been so nervous in my life. I was taking Derpy's advice and just write fanfiction without letting the shippings get me down, but I was still hesitant to submit my work. I took a deep breath, counted to ten, shut my eyes, and inserted my flash drive into the USB slot, uploading the full chapter with all the confidence I could muster. After the deed was done, I walked away, never to look back.**

**I waited. I just went straight home and waited for what seemed to be hours. Finally, I get an email. It said that someone had reviewed my story and also followed it. What luck! I wasn't forgotten! Soon after, I got another one, then another one, then another one! I was back in the game! I stood up from my chair and boasted loudly, "Screw you, Fiolee! Screw you, Sugarless Gum, and Screw you, Finnceline! I'm back, baby!"**

**But what happened? The story only received three updates that month. As soon as the hype came, it went away. Why? I had become too busy to update my fanfics as often as I would have wanted to, so months went by without a single update. A couple months later, I officially announced that the story was on hold, with no official date given for a later update. **

**Why haven't I updated, I ask myself. At first, I thought I was lazy, but even I know when to get off my ass to give the fans what they want. No, the real reason I haven't updated was because I just don't like **_**Adventure Time**_** that much anymore. I found season five to be the most disappointing season ever, with so many episodes feeling incomplete, heavy additions of throwaway characters, way too many half-assed romance episodes, and the unnerving feeling that many plot elements introduced will be abandoned at one point or rendered superfluous. The writers of the show are incredibly talented and I know that they can do better than this. Maybe it's not their entire fault, but until I know for sure, I can't find myself going back and watching any of the episodes again. I know season six is coming up this month, but I found myself not being as excited as I was for season four. **

**Am I ever going to write for this fandom again? I'm planning on it. I really am. **_**Jake's Final Adventure **_**will be completed at some point in the future. I can't say for sure, but it's going to happen. I already have big plans for two additional fanfics, as well and I would be a fool to cancel those! Rest assured that the updates will come!**

**Until then, hope you all enjoy this piece of unreleased work straight from my archives! It hasn't been touched since 2012, so its horrid quality is left completely intact! Enjoy!**

_**Adventure Time**_** and all related characters and elements are trademarks of and © Cartoon Network. I own nothing except for the story, plot, and any characters I created that may occur.**

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

**"ICE KING!" Finn shouted. Yes, Ice King was at it again. He kidnapped Princess Bubblegum and Finn and Jake are out to rescue her.**

**"Why must you interfere with our love, Finn? Why can't you be happy for me?" Ice King told him.**

**"Dude, she's not in love with you." Jake brought up.**

**"Plop yeah, I'm not in love with you!" Princess Bubblegum exclaimed.**

**"You will learn to love me, my sweet." Ice King assured her.**

* * *

**And that's it. That's all I wrote before I gave up. Now did you love it, or did you love it? Don't bother reviewing; your dropped jaws are more than enough praise for me! I'm awesome. Nanook out.**

_**APRIL FOOLS!  
-Mr. Nanook**_


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